Me Too.

I’m not ready to tell this story on Facebook, so instead I’m going to tell it here. I’m not ready for them to know this piece of me. They can place a story to a face and I can’t go there with people.

I knew my assaulter. We had had consensual sex before. I was pretty done with him and his games.

That month, a friend I knew, but hadn’t spoken to in a long while had died a really awful and tragic death. I was in shock, my heart ached for this life – he had only just liked a photo of mine on Instagram not that long ago – he had been in my thoughts for several weeks. I was thinking of reaching out to him.

The next day, my assaulter, who had been a friend before, got a hold of me. I was in class. He sent me a snapchat.

I was not in the mood. I did not want to have sex. I was going through attempting to end my long term fling (six years long) and was dealing with the shock of a death so horrific to such a good person I knew. I told him I didn’t want to do it and I was going to go home, watch a movie, and that was all. He pressured, promised that we could just hang out and enjoy each other. I caved.

I really wanted to ditch the situation – all before he came over. However, he was pudgy, not really all that attractive, and I had been able to handle guys before. So, he came over bringing tequila. I have a high alcohol tolerance. I took two shots and grabbed a glass of wine. We started a movie and he was all over me. Before too long, he was drunk and I was relatively sober. He wouldn’t stop kissing me and I kept pulling away saying I didn’t want to.

I was verbal. I told him no. I told him I didn’t want to do anything. I honestly wanted to be left alone.

He grabbed me, picked me up, and placed me on my bed. I didn’t want to. My apartment was dark, he was determined, and I knew I was in trouble. My heart started pounding and he started to forcefully take off my clothes. I turned myself around, my hands grasped the bed frame and I tried to pull myself away from him. He forcefully pulled me over. There was no giggling, no laughing, his eyes were set and he knew what he wanted. I was afraid. What would happen to me? I was scared he would kill me.

He began to penetrate once, twice, and I have no idea how I managed to escape. My body shaking and I ran to my phone and sent messages for friends to call me – it was important. I pulled up the news stories of my friend who had died in a motorcycle accident – my heart dropping still. I pretended that I had just found out.

He came over as my eyes filled with tears, tears from what he had done, not my friend’s death. He rubbed my back and I wanted to grab his hand and break it. I wanted to hurt him for what he had done. I said that my good friend died, my friends back home were begging me to come home – I needed to go. I needed to be with my friends. It was a lie.

“Are you kidding?” I began to quickly get dressed. I said that I needed to go, this was important. He got dressed and followed me out of my apartment. I didn’t even say goodbye, but rushed to my car. Instead, I went to a friend’s apartment. I cried.

I blocked him on social media. He knew what he had done to me. There was no question. There was no way to prove what he had done. He got away with it.

I hate him. I do. He has a girlfriend now. I wonder if she knows that she’s dating a rapist. A man who feels he’s entitled when he’s white, pudgy, and ugly. He’s a frat boy. He thinks he’s hot.

Me too.

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Moving Back Home

IMG_20170717_173237_059Life has been so full of hectic things going on lately. I finished summer quarter, have read tons of books, working with Thor on some new routines to go into Fall with, and having plenty of adventures with my mom before she goes back to work at the local high school.

Today I went to a wedding. The wedding was for one of Dasa’s good friends who is marrying a girl I went to high school with. Unsure of who I was going to run into and who would be attending the wedding – I started to worry about who I was going to run into there. Two of the bridesmaids were girls I went to high school with. One I was friends with, the other I was not. Who else was going to be there? I had been sweating it for a while, but the bride went through the trouble to invite us and drop an invite in our mailbox – a personal touch that really resonated with me. We had to go. This was important. My husband needed to reconnect after he “vanished” when he started working nights when we started dating and I needed to build relationships.

A couple days ago, I stopped at a local coffee stand. My husband grew up with the two women who own it and I knew I could get a good Americano there no doubt. I needed that. The barista was someone I went to high school with and interaction had always been awkward – but today, the need for espresso was greater than my feelings towards people I went to high school with. She causally asked me how I was and how my day was. I was kind in return (I always am, it’s refreshing actually) and grabbed my coffee and drove off. That felt good. Who I was no longer mattered and the fact that we were able to come to a peace felt good. I knew that I needed to come to peace with my past, my mistakes I made before I ran away to college, and move on. I moved back home, I had to confront it and just accept it. People would forgive and move on. Others may not be so quick to do so and that is fine. However, I needed to stop worrying about what others still thought of me. I need to forget the past and be myself.

When I was young, I was stupid. I was in a relationship with someone right before leaving for college and he was not doing well with that. We were having issues early on and I, stupidly, wanted to have fun for the summer. I ended up hooking up with someone I had been on and off with, my first, someone I thought I loved and it my former best friend (who eventually introduced me to her cousin who I happened to marry – she is still upset that we ended up together) told my then-boyfriend. It got on Facebook and the next thing I knew – everyone knew what happened. Good thing, I left two days later for college – moving six hours away and ready to start a different life, with a fresh start.

I have been running from the past ever since and when I moved back several months ago, I had been hiding from it. I’ve never accepted it and thought that others wouldn’t either.

However, once I felt that I needed to come to peace with my past and move forward, create a life here – back home, I felt at peace. The wedding was a blast. Everyone was kind and wonderful, we talked to many different people and built relationships (reconnected on D’s part) that will hopefully last much longer than those in high school did. Sometimes, you just have to breathe and accept that moving on is best.

The hardest part of moving on from the past is letting go the perceptions that others have of you, especially in a small town. Once it happens and you let go of that past, you are free. Everyone changes, well, for the most part.

Current Readings & Summer Reading!

I do a lot of reading. A LOT of reading. Lately, it has been mostly required reading for my English major, however, I do have ambitious plans for the (short) summer break that I get. However, I also wanted to discuss the two books I am reading now that are incredible.

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Currently, I am reading Born a Crime by Trevor Noah for my self-writing class. No wonder this book is a freaking bestseller. From the first paragraph written, I am pulled in and completely breathless. This book has knocked the breath right out of me. Noah writes about growing up in apartheid South Africa  and the liberation afterwards. He is born of a black mother and a white father. Noah brings you into a world that none of us born in the United States can begin to understand. His perspective has opened my eyes and knocked the breath out of me. I have read many books since I began reading at 2 years old, but this one takes the cake. I cannot put it down, not because the suspense but how I crave his perspective of a world I don’t understand and his honesty of a life that I will never know. Read. This. Book.

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At the same time, I am reading Alligator Candy by David Kushner for the same class (an individual project). This book is also incredible. Kushner writes about the tragedy of losing his older brother, Jon to a gruesome kidnapping and murder. His perspective as a family member of a victim is incredibly powerful. I haven’t finished the book, but he investigates his brother’s murder using his skills as a journalist. So far, the book reads beautifully. He is honest and focused on the facts, a true journalist. Not only that, but he brings so much powerful emotional honesty that leaves you speechless but with such a heavy heart. This book is fantastic.

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My reading for the short summer! Before I go off to my lake vacation, I will be finishing a book I started: That Woman: The Life of Wallis Simpson, Duchess of Windsor. Watching a lot of documentaries made me interested in this woman who stole the heart of a King who chose her over the throne. I started the book awhile ago, but because of class and reading – I couldn’t finish it. I will be continuing and hopefully finishing it before going onto my lake vacation. All of these books are ones that I’ve been dying to read. I’m anticipating them to be easy reads for the summer. Some of mystery and intrigue and others of captivating stories. Sherman Alexie’s memoir is one that I have been dying to read – one of my favorite authors I crave his writing. Stay tuned for my currently readings!

How Perfect is a Relationship Anyway?

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Blurry, shadow kisses

Here is the post about relationships that I had been working on! What a busy week with getting work done, being a mom, and simply attempting to not forget myself as a person.

Being a mom, I think A LOT about the lessons and moments I want to teach my son as he grows. I’ve been finding that the biggest of these lessons is on healthy relationships. What I mean by a healthy relationship is not a perfect relationships. People fight, argue, disagree, and sometimes – there are weeks or months of times that are not pleasant. However, what matters is that the couple is able to push through to the other side and look back to see that they are glad they got through that.

Most of all, I want my son to know what an unhealthy relationship looks like. The one-sided, the person leading someone on, the toxicity between two people, and when the communication breakdown is beyond repair. While talking to one of my good friends, I mentioned how refreshing it was to hear how much she missed her fiancee and how she hated being separated – this was her “relationship trouble”. This couple does not claim to be perfect or show off how “perfect” they are on social media, but purely love each other. With that, I had been reading Neil Patrick Harris’ autobiography in class and I found it so refreshing to read how much he loves his partner. I’m sure they have had problems, what couple doesn’t? But man, the respect, love, and admiration is unbelievable. We are so used to reading about relationship drama (Rob Kardashian, anyone) in our media, in our novels, and even in our lives. This seems normal. If there is nothing wrong – we have to create something wrong, if there is no drama, we feel that there is something missing. How rare is it to read about a Hollywood/Broadway star who has a relationship that he is proud of and loves his partner genuinely? In this day in age, it is very rare. I often hear about relationship issues with friends, but very rarely hear about how positively something is going. Why are we so apt to tell when things are bad, but keep quiet when our lives are going well? Do we see the celebrity drama on TV and in tabloids and need to have our relationships go that way to live their lives? Why is there so much drama when there doesn’t have to be?

My husband and I do not get along 100% of the time. We get along most of the time and over time have had to learn how the other person works and what they need out of a relationship. I like being direct to the point, my husband takes a different approach. Relationships take effort and strength – they take genuine love and respect to work and more than importantly team work! These relationships about making someone their “queen” or “king” is just annoying and so unrealistic. What about a team that makes a life work together and keeping independence but maintaining a life together? I take what my husband wants into considerations and listen to what he has to say. He does the same (when he is not being stubborn), but there is no one person wearing the pants. He does not cater to me (he does in small ways but nothing major) and I do not “mommy” him or try to fix him. We are who we are and it works.

I feel that in society we are conditioned to want the perfect relationship. The fairytale right? Whisked off our feet in a whirlwind romance, big fancy wedding, babies and all is good – right? No. We need to talk about the relationships that are realistic but also the ones that should not be happening.

When I was younger, I got caught up in a guy. It went on for much longer than it should and when my husband came along – I lost interest. We were never officially together, but years of on and off cheating on significant others and the hot and cold of what he wanted and I wanted – it was too much. It was toxic and made me into someone that I could not look at myself in the mirror. These are the relationships I want to protect my son of. Respect women, do not use them and then only talk to them when you want sex, understand their feelings and understand your own, do not feel afraid of emotions – you have them for a reason. More importantly, if you can’t work together with her towards something bigger – then walk away. It’s not just that, I don’t want a woman to manipulate my son through her emotions. I don’t want my son taking care of someone else more than they take care of him. Relationships are TEAM work, not the way that society thinks they should be. Women should be treated right, but so should a man.

We are conditioned that it will be easy when we meet the right person. This leaves people feeling dissatisfied with their marriages and relationships. If they don’t live up to the hype – people back out. With that, people are putting their relationships online to make it look like they have it all (not all do that, but most do). I don’t post about my husband often and we have so much fun together – I don’t need to prove that to my social network. I know what I have and it is mine alone. I do not have to tell the universe what a good father he is and how much I love him – I think he knows enough by my words in person rather than on a social platform.

Of all things, I hope my son is like my husband. Where my husband did not deal with stupid girls and their stupid ideas. Granted, it took him time to learn (oh the lessons he learned), but he knows his boundary and what he is willing to put up with and what he isn’t. I am not the kind of wife that tells him he has to give up his toys of me. He still works on his trucks, has his quad, and is able to do what he likes. While I do make it important that he spend time with his family, he is still able to do what he wants to do. Why? Because I get the same freedom. That and I don’t want to spend every single moment with him either (not in a bad way, I like my alone time).

Sticking through it, working towards a common goal, communication, fighting and learning from those fights, supporting each other, and love. Those are the key points to getting through a relationship. It takes two to tango. A single sided marriage or relationship is not worth it, but who am I to say? That’s your call.

 

 

 

 

Lists Help Me Make Sense of My World

I had a draft concerning healthy relationships and my thoughts for this week on those. However, despite the fact that I did a list the last post, I’m going to do another one. This list is basically describing how I am feeling this week – because I am not (mentally) on my game.

  1. One of my “friends” made comments that really made me feel minimized. When I told her my husband had taken last week off (his job gave him the week off) she made the comment about how it must have been nice for me to take a break from parenthood. Uh? When do I get a break? I didn’t? He worked on fixing up a truck all week? She mentioned that it must have been nice to not feel like the “only” parent. Okay, stop right there. I do not feel like the only parent – ever. My husband comes home at the end of the night and spends time with his son. I have no idea how she would get this idea since I have never mentioned anything like that to her. If we have issues with division of anything – it’s the household chores. So, I comment that I truly never feel like I am the only parent. She then responds saying that she would feel that way if she was left at home all day and that I am a better person than she is. WTF. Seriously – who the hell even says that? First, I am not home all day long – I am in class four times a week on a college campus that is thirty minutes away from my home. Then, I never feel like I am all on my own with this parenting thing. Sure, sometimes I feel like I can never get to sit down and truly do homework – but that doesn’t mean that my husband is not being a parent. The fact that she minimized my life, implying that I am home all day long really pissed me off. Like I said, it is really hard to offend me, but this was enough. This friend hardly asks, genuinely asks how my life is going or how I am. She knows nothing about my life because she does not ask – and why would I share with someone who thinks that they could give me advice if I even remotely sound like complaining? More than that, she patronizes me and makes it sound like my life is so hard and I am such a good person for it – when I am not. I am not special for doing this stuff. I am just doing what I have to do.
  2. Finishing this self-paced history class is mentally exhausting. I am finding evidence in the books and taking two drafts in order to put together a coherent essay for this massive written final. More than that, I am trying to hold onto my 4.0 in this class and for the quarter.
  3. My son has been exhibiting behavior that my mother-in-law has enabled. I know that babies scream and cry when they don’t get their way, but there is something not right with this. He is a really even tempered child and I am finding that we are having issues with his screaming when he wants his way. Have I mentioned he is not even a year yet? With that, he is getting back onto a sleep schedule after he was refusing naps and my mother-in-law (who hates screaming) will not allow him to self-soothe. She has created a monster when it comes to nap time. I love my son, but he is wearing me out lately. I need nap time. I NEED nap time.
  4. Money. Enough said.
  5. My class. The work load and the class content is excellent. I absolutely love the reading, the writing prompts, and what I’m reading in the class. However, the dynamic really makes me uncomfortable. I am not that big of a talker. I mean, when I am in a group of people I don’t know – I don’t have a lot to say. Seriously, ask my husband. However, in the classroom setting, I participate and share because how are you supposed to learn from others if you don’t say anything? In this class, I over talk and I know it, and more than that – it makes me uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable. There are people there with incredible perspectives that I wish would talk more, because I absolutely love what comes out of their mouths, but nonetheless – I feel like I am the only one speaking. And I don’t want to feel like this. I feel like an outsider, I leave the class feeling stressed and overthinking everything that I said. I’ve worked in small groups plenty of times before, specifically last quarter. Last quarter, my small group – we all shared ideas, thoughts, and talked equally. There was no discomfort when we worked together or collaborated. This class drives me insane and it is beginning to get to me. I love going to class and learning from the material and learning about self-writing. I read a lot of memoirs already, so it is interesting to understand these stories. I just feel as if I am not even myself. I wonder if it sounds like I try too hard (which I don’t, I just come from a background that values participation no matter how much you hate it) or wonder if I know more than everyone else, which I don’t. I can’t place my finger on it, but I absolutely cannot stand how I feel in this class. Luckily, the class is almost over. It is so bittersweet. I love the content, but damn, going to class is just exhausting for me.

I need some self-care. A day when I just take off and get done shit that needs to be done. Get some housework done, get ahead in my English class, get my self-paced final done, maybe even just take a nap – I don’t know, but I need to really feel better than I do now. I feel like I need coffee every single second of the day. I feel like I could just sleep forever (granted, it is ten at night and I have been running around constantly this week). I have a stack of books on my nightstand because I was going to work while my husband sleeps (I have to wait until he is asleep to turn on the light otherwise he won’t), but I think I am just going to say screw it and go to bed. Maybe a good night’s sleep will help me. I will go to sleep and hope that I feel better in the morning.

Little Known Facts

While to the outside world, it seems like I share enough, I don’t. I share only what I want you to see. I share just enough so then you think you know me, but instead, no one does. However, to keep it light – here are some little known facts I would normally not share (not that they’re bad, I just wouldn’t think to).

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    My love for cats started young
    My husband’s nickname for me is “turbo”
  2. I used to be really terrible with money
  3. I have an incredible depth of knowledge in British history because I watch a lot of BBC/PBS documentaries.
  4. I am obsessed with The Great British Bake Off and I hate baking.
  5. My cat’s name is Loki and my son’s name is Thor – that was an accident. I thought of Loki the mischief. Thor is named after a friend of my husband’s who passed away too young.
  6. Out of every room in the house, I hate cleaning the kitchen.
  7. I love buying toys and clothes for my son. I find it more fun than shopping for myself.
  8. I actually hate Facebook, but use it for messenger. I love Instagram the most.
  9. My favorite room in the house depends on the best natural light – so in this house, it’s my bedroom.
  10. I love reading non-fiction. I find it just as good as fiction.
  11. I prefer to drink La Criox over alcohol.
  12. I hate cooking, but do because it’s cheaper and healthier.
  13. I love old movies.
  14. I do not wear underwear and have a drawer full of them.
  15. If I could sit in a comfortable chair and read a book for the ENTIRE day, I would.
  16. I am currently drooling over a “Cat Wars” t-shirt on Modcloth.
  17. I am really picky about coffee, but I have to have it. Cold brew is my favorite.
  18. My favorite gift is an Amazon gift card – I order books like crazy.
  19. I own a lot of blankets, but always find they don’t go to waste.
  20. While I have my own set of firm beliefs, it is extremely difficult to offend me.

I’ll Feel Better Tomorrow, but Not Today

I have one friend who frequently asks me how I am doing. Not just to ask in causal conversation, but truly caring about how I am doing in life.

No one really asks that question anymore. But now, I got you thinking about it right? So, how am I doing? Well, I’ll tell you.

I’m not quite okay today. There has been a lot of shit (pardon my french, but we all know that word here) going on in my head lately. Of course, the normal – single income, motherhood, college post-grad student stuff floats in my head, but lately – a lot of family shit that I prefer to ignore and not deal with is in my head. And I hate that because, I have a life. I have a life and I have enough to think about other than petty crap that deals with my family – on both my side and my husbands.

Let’s start with yesterday. Yesterday, I went to a BBQ at one of my husband’s aunt’s house. Now, this is no ordinary situation. My former best friend is my husband’s cousin and this was her house. I have not spoken to her in about a year and the last time that we were “friends” was when she was trying to butt into my husband’s business regarding his biological family about a year and a half ago – before I found out I was pregnant. However, when my husband and I started dating over two years ago – she completely cut me off. Still to this day, I get blamed. I’m not sure who believes who because the entire family gossips and lies about what everyone is doing all the time. I do know that one day, I was blocked. Why? Because I hadn’t brought over my child to her house when I lived an hour away and then started going back to college for a second bachelors? Excuse me for having a life.

So, I be the better person and I go over to her house. Everyone is all over me with Thor and I like to hold onto Thor. He is my security blanket. I can completely ignore someone or not have to talk to someone when he is on my lap. I. LOVE. IT. So, one of my husband’s cousins brings his fiancee and boy, is she stuck up. She wants to hold my baby, but refuses to speak to me and all she says is, “I can’t wait until we have one.” And all I can think is, “Yeah, bitch. Just you wait.”

So why has this all gotten to me so badly? I have been drained ever since. Part of it is because I have no idea what everyone thinks or what everyone believes. I hear that no one believes my former friend (or likes her) but who am I to believe? They talk crap about each other ALL OF THE TIME. It creates the most unstable environment ever and I mentally cannot handle it.

I know people talk bad about me. I am pretty much used to it after high school and all the crap that went around then (I was young and really stupid and made decisions where everyone was judging me but it wasn’t like everyone else was doing them – you know?) I have a really thick skin and normally – I don’t care. But I DO this time and that really bothers me that I CARE. I CARE what some stuck up little bitch thinks about me. I NEVER DO SO WHY NOW? Is it because I am vulnerable? That I don’t trust them? That she wanted to hold my son and refused to speak to me (I know that this is a good chunk of it as well)? And my former friend – we have been having ups and downs for years, but she is their family – but am I being protected from her hatefulness? And in all seriousness, she is hateful – just trust me here. I have enough stories to back this up, but that’s not relevant right now.

Despite all of that, the one thing that bothers me is – I check on a friend of mine. She was upset about something stupid regarding her fiancee’s ex-wife and I wanted to make sure that they had resolved the issue (I knew they would). And I don’t even get a “how are you lately?” THANKS. I AM JUST TRYING TO KEEP MY ANXIETY IN CHECK. But really, she doesn’t care – why bother telling her the truth even if she did ask? She would give me some annoying advice, because she thinks she is all knowing for being 22. Who knows what the actual hell is going on at 22?? I sure didn’t.

I really don’t need friends (I have come to the conclusion that my life really is better without them, despite that people say that all the time to sound emotionless – but I really don’t like people). I have enough family, my brother’s girlfriend is really awesome and I hang out with her, and my husband is my best friend – so why bother with others who will never really understand my life anyway? Friends always make life difficult. They want to do things (I don’t like doing group stuff, I get mentally exhausted) and they don’t like the same things I really enjoy doing (like reading or homework – because I secretly love being in college again). If I get lonely – I can typically get a cat to cuddle with me and I am fine…but really, I am.

However, despite that mentally I am drained and anxiety ridden today, I about had a panic attack at the grocery store. There were too many stupid people who could not figure out how to use a cart in a grocery store. I wanted THREE items and it took me too long. I was breathing heavily, trying not to cry, and focused on that back cashier where I wouldn’t have to run into anyone I know. The cashier was the nicest person and asked me how my long weekend was and was sweet to my son, and I genuinely enjoyed the interaction. After I walked out of the grocery store, I remember thinking – I needed that. I needed someone to remind me that there are good people out there. Not many, but a few.

I’m still not doing well and they’re stuck in my head – I’m thinking a slurpee and maybe talking will help. Maybe? It might not be helping that my period – I think? is here. I mean, I switched birth control to a hormonal IUD from a non-hormonal IUD so who the hell knows what’s going on with that. Regardless of these potential influences – I am just trying today. I am mentally trying to overcome my anxiety and I am pulling myself pretty well together, but I know underneath – I’m not just okay today. I’ll be better tomorrow. I’ll want to punch them both in the face less and I’ll move on past it.