Lists Help Me Make Sense of My World

I had a draft concerning healthy relationships and my thoughts for this week on those. However, despite the fact that I did a list the last post, I’m going to do another one. This list is basically describing how I am feeling this week – because I am not (mentally) on my game.

  1. One of my “friends” made comments that really made me feel minimized. When I told her my husband had taken last week off (his job gave him the week off) she made the comment about how it must have been nice for me to take a break from parenthood. Uh? When do I get a break? I didn’t? He worked on fixing up a truck all week? She mentioned that it must have been nice to not feel like the “only” parent. Okay, stop right there. I do not feel like the only parent – ever. My husband comes home at the end of the night and spends time with his son. I have no idea how she would get this idea since I have never mentioned anything like that to her. If we have issues with division of anything – it’s the household chores. So, I comment that I truly never feel like I am the only parent. She then responds saying that she would feel that way if she was left at home all day and that I am a better person than she is. WTF. Seriously – who the hell even says that? First, I am not home all day long – I am in class four times a week on a college campus that is thirty minutes away from my home. Then, I never feel like I am all on my own with this parenting thing. Sure, sometimes I feel like I can never get to sit down and truly do homework – but that doesn’t mean that my husband is not being a parent. The fact that she minimized my life, implying that I am home all day long really pissed me off. Like I said, it is really hard to offend me, but this was enough. This friend hardly asks, genuinely asks how my life is going or how I am. She knows nothing about my life because she does not ask – and why would I share with someone who thinks that they could give me advice if I even remotely sound like complaining? More than that, she patronizes me and makes it sound like my life is so hard and I am such a good person for it – when I am not. I am not special for doing this stuff. I am just doing what I have to do.
  2. Finishing this self-paced history class is mentally exhausting. I am finding evidence in the books and taking two drafts in order to put together a coherent essay for this massive written final. More than that, I am trying to hold onto my 4.0 in this class and for the quarter.
  3. My son has been exhibiting behavior that my mother-in-law has enabled. I know that babies scream and cry when they don’t get their way, but there is something not right with this. He is a really even tempered child and I am finding that we are having issues with his screaming when he wants his way. Have I mentioned he is not even a year yet? With that, he is getting back onto a sleep schedule after he was refusing naps and my mother-in-law (who hates screaming) will not allow him to self-soothe. She has created a monster when it comes to nap time. I love my son, but he is wearing me out lately. I need nap time. I NEED nap time.
  4. Money. Enough said.
  5. My class. The work load and the class content is excellent. I absolutely love the reading, the writing prompts, and what I’m reading in the class. However, the dynamic really makes me uncomfortable. I am not that big of a talker. I mean, when I am in a group of people I don’t know – I don’t have a lot to say. Seriously, ask my husband. However, in the classroom setting, I participate and share because how are you supposed to learn from others if you don’t say anything? In this class, I over talk and I know it, and more than that – it makes me uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable. There are people there with incredible perspectives that I wish would talk more, because I absolutely love what comes out of their mouths, but nonetheless – I feel like I am the only one speaking. And I don’t want to feel like this. I feel like an outsider, I leave the class feeling stressed and overthinking everything that I said. I’ve worked in small groups plenty of times before, specifically last quarter. Last quarter, my small group – we all shared ideas, thoughts, and talked equally. There was no discomfort when we worked together or collaborated. This class drives me insane and it is beginning to get to me. I love going to class and learning from the material and learning about self-writing. I read a lot of memoirs already, so it is interesting to understand these stories. I just feel as if I am not even myself. I wonder if it sounds like I try too hard (which I don’t, I just come from a background that values participation no matter how much you hate it) or wonder if I know more than everyone else, which I don’t. I can’t place my finger on it, but I absolutely cannot stand how I feel in this class. Luckily, the class is almost over. It is so bittersweet. I love the content, but damn, going to class is just exhausting for me.

I need some self-care. A day when I just take off and get done shit that needs to be done. Get some housework done, get ahead in my English class, get my self-paced final done, maybe even just take a nap – I don’t know, but I need to really feel better than I do now. I feel like I need coffee every single second of the day. I feel like I could just sleep forever (granted, it is ten at night and I have been running around constantly this week). I have a stack of books on my nightstand because I was going to work while my husband sleeps (I have to wait until he is asleep to turn on the light otherwise he won’t), but I think I am just going to say screw it and go to bed. Maybe a good night’s sleep will help me. I will go to sleep and hope that I feel better in the morning.

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I’ll Feel Better Tomorrow, but Not Today

I have one friend who frequently asks me how I am doing. Not just to ask in causal conversation, but truly caring about how I am doing in life.

No one really asks that question anymore. But now, I got you thinking about it right? So, how am I doing? Well, I’ll tell you.

I’m not quite okay today. There has been a lot of shit (pardon my french, but we all know that word here) going on in my head lately. Of course, the normal – single income, motherhood, college post-grad student stuff floats in my head, but lately – a lot of family shit that I prefer to ignore and not deal with is in my head. And I hate that because, I have a life. I have a life and I have enough to think about other than petty crap that deals with my family – on both my side and my husbands.

Let’s start with yesterday. Yesterday, I went to a BBQ at one of my husband’s aunt’s house. Now, this is no ordinary situation. My former best friend is my husband’s cousin and this was her house. I have not spoken to her in about a year and the last time that we were “friends” was when she was trying to butt into my husband’s business regarding his biological family about a year and a half ago – before I found out I was pregnant. However, when my husband and I started dating over two years ago – she completely cut me off. Still to this day, I get blamed. I’m not sure who believes who because the entire family gossips and lies about what everyone is doing all the time. I do know that one day, I was blocked. Why? Because I hadn’t brought over my child to her house when I lived an hour away and then started going back to college for a second bachelors? Excuse me for having a life.

So, I be the better person and I go over to her house. Everyone is all over me with Thor and I like to hold onto Thor. He is my security blanket. I can completely ignore someone or not have to talk to someone when he is on my lap. I. LOVE. IT. So, one of my husband’s cousins brings his fiancee and boy, is she stuck up. She wants to hold my baby, but refuses to speak to me and all she says is, “I can’t wait until we have one.” And all I can think is, “Yeah, bitch. Just you wait.”

So why has this all gotten to me so badly? I have been drained ever since. Part of it is because I have no idea what everyone thinks or what everyone believes. I hear that no one believes my former friend (or likes her) but who am I to believe? They talk crap about each other ALL OF THE TIME. It creates the most unstable environment ever and I mentally cannot handle it.

I know people talk bad about me. I am pretty much used to it after high school and all the crap that went around then (I was young and really stupid and made decisions where everyone was judging me but it wasn’t like everyone else was doing them – you know?) I have a really thick skin and normally – I don’t care. But I DO this time and that really bothers me that I CARE. I CARE what some stuck up little bitch thinks about me. I NEVER DO SO WHY NOW? Is it because I am vulnerable? That I don’t trust them? That she wanted to hold my son and refused to speak to me (I know that this is a good chunk of it as well)? And my former friend – we have been having ups and downs for years, but she is their family – but am I being protected from her hatefulness? And in all seriousness, she is hateful – just trust me here. I have enough stories to back this up, but that’s not relevant right now.

Despite all of that, the one thing that bothers me is – I check on a friend of mine. She was upset about something stupid regarding her fiancee’s ex-wife and I wanted to make sure that they had resolved the issue (I knew they would). And I don’t even get a “how are you lately?” THANKS. I AM JUST TRYING TO KEEP MY ANXIETY IN CHECK. But really, she doesn’t care – why bother telling her the truth even if she did ask? She would give me some annoying advice, because she thinks she is all knowing for being 22. Who knows what the actual hell is going on at 22?? I sure didn’t.

I really don’t need friends (I have come to the conclusion that my life really is better without them, despite that people say that all the time to sound emotionless – but I really don’t like people). I have enough family, my brother’s girlfriend is really awesome and I hang out with her, and my husband is my best friend – so why bother with others who will never really understand my life anyway? Friends always make life difficult. They want to do things (I don’t like doing group stuff, I get mentally exhausted) and they don’t like the same things I really enjoy doing (like reading or homework – because I secretly love being in college again). If I get lonely – I can typically get a cat to cuddle with me and I am fine…but really, I am.

However, despite that mentally I am drained and anxiety ridden today, I about had a panic attack at the grocery store. There were too many stupid people who could not figure out how to use a cart in a grocery store. I wanted THREE items and it took me too long. I was breathing heavily, trying not to cry, and focused on that back cashier where I wouldn’t have to run into anyone I know. The cashier was the nicest person and asked me how my long weekend was and was sweet to my son, and I genuinely enjoyed the interaction. After I walked out of the grocery store, I remember thinking – I needed that. I needed someone to remind me that there are good people out there. Not many, but a few.

I’m still not doing well and they’re stuck in my head – I’m thinking a slurpee and maybe talking will help. Maybe? It might not be helping that my period – I think? is here. I mean, I switched birth control to a hormonal IUD from a non-hormonal IUD so who the hell knows what’s going on with that. Regardless of these potential influences – I am just trying today. I am mentally trying to overcome my anxiety and I am pulling myself pretty well together, but I know underneath – I’m not just okay today. I’ll be better tomorrow. I’ll want to punch them both in the face less and I’ll move on past it.