Me Too.

I’m not ready to tell this story on Facebook, so instead I’m going to tell it here. I’m not ready for them to know this piece of me. They can place a story to a face and I can’t go there with people.

I knew my assaulter. We had had consensual sex before. I was pretty done with him and his games.

That month, a friend I knew, but hadn’t spoken to in a long while had died a really awful and tragic death. I was in shock, my heart ached for this life – he had only just liked a photo of mine on Instagram not that long ago – he had been in my thoughts for several weeks. I was thinking of reaching out to him.

The next day, my assaulter, who had been a friend before, got a hold of me. I was in class. He sent me a snapchat.

I was not in the mood. I did not want to have sex. I was going through attempting to end my long term fling (six years long) and was dealing with the shock of a death so horrific to such a good person I knew. I told him I didn’t want to do it and I was going to go home, watch a movie, and that was all. He pressured, promised that we could just hang out and enjoy each other. I caved.

I really wanted to ditch the situation – all before he came over. However, he was pudgy, not really all that attractive, and I had been able to handle guys before. So, he came over bringing tequila. I have a high alcohol tolerance. I took two shots and grabbed a glass of wine. We started a movie and he was all over me. Before too long, he was drunk and I was relatively sober. He wouldn’t stop kissing me and I kept pulling away saying I didn’t want to.

I was verbal. I told him no. I told him I didn’t want to do anything. I honestly wanted to be left alone.

He grabbed me, picked me up, and placed me on my bed. I didn’t want to. My apartment was dark, he was determined, and I knew I was in trouble. My heart started pounding and he started to forcefully take off my clothes. I turned myself around, my hands grasped the bed frame and I tried to pull myself away from him. He forcefully pulled me over. There was no giggling, no laughing, his eyes were set and he knew what he wanted. I was afraid. What would happen to me? I was scared he would kill me.

He began to penetrate once, twice, and I have no idea how I managed to escape. My body shaking and I ran to my phone and sent messages for friends to call me – it was important. I pulled up the news stories of my friend who had died in a motorcycle accident – my heart dropping still. I pretended that I had just found out.

He came over as my eyes filled with tears, tears from what he had done, not my friend’s death. He rubbed my back and I wanted to grab his hand and break it. I wanted to hurt him for what he had done. I said that my good friend died, my friends back home were begging me to come home – I needed to go. I needed to be with my friends. It was a lie.

“Are you kidding?” I began to quickly get dressed. I said that I needed to go, this was important. He got dressed and followed me out of my apartment. I didn’t even say goodbye, but rushed to my car. Instead, I went to a friend’s apartment. I cried.

I blocked him on social media. He knew what he had done to me. There was no question. There was no way to prove what he had done. He got away with it.

I hate him. I do. He has a girlfriend now. I wonder if she knows that she’s dating a rapist. A man who feels he’s entitled when he’s white, pudgy, and ugly. He’s a frat boy. He thinks he’s hot.

Me too.

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How Perfect is a Relationship Anyway?

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Blurry, shadow kisses

Here is the post about relationships that I had been working on! What a busy week with getting work done, being a mom, and simply attempting to not forget myself as a person.

Being a mom, I think A LOT about the lessons and moments I want to teach my son as he grows. I’ve been finding that the biggest of these lessons is on healthy relationships. What I mean by a healthy relationship is not a perfect relationships. People fight, argue, disagree, and sometimes – there are weeks or months of times that are not pleasant. However, what matters is that the couple is able to push through to the other side and look back to see that they are glad they got through that.

Most of all, I want my son to know what an unhealthy relationship looks like. The one-sided, the person leading someone on, the toxicity between two people, and when the communication breakdown is beyond repair. While talking to one of my good friends, I mentioned how refreshing it was to hear how much she missed her fiancee and how she hated being separated – this was her “relationship trouble”. This couple does not claim to be perfect or show off how “perfect” they are on social media, but purely love each other. With that, I had been reading Neil Patrick Harris’ autobiography in class and I found it so refreshing to read how much he loves his partner. I’m sure they have had problems, what couple doesn’t? But man, the respect, love, and admiration is unbelievable. We are so used to reading about relationship drama (Rob Kardashian, anyone) in our media, in our novels, and even in our lives. This seems normal. If there is nothing wrong – we have to create something wrong, if there is no drama, we feel that there is something missing. How rare is it to read about a Hollywood/Broadway star who has a relationship that he is proud of and loves his partner genuinely? In this day in age, it is very rare. I often hear about relationship issues with friends, but very rarely hear about how positively something is going. Why are we so apt to tell when things are bad, but keep quiet when our lives are going well? Do we see the celebrity drama on TV and in tabloids and need to have our relationships go that way to live their lives? Why is there so much drama when there doesn’t have to be?

My husband and I do not get along 100% of the time. We get along most of the time and over time have had to learn how the other person works and what they need out of a relationship. I like being direct to the point, my husband takes a different approach. Relationships take effort and strength – they take genuine love and respect to work and more than importantly team work! These relationships about making someone their “queen” or “king” is just annoying and so unrealistic. What about a team that makes a life work together and keeping independence but maintaining a life together? I take what my husband wants into considerations and listen to what he has to say. He does the same (when he is not being stubborn), but there is no one person wearing the pants. He does not cater to me (he does in small ways but nothing major) and I do not “mommy” him or try to fix him. We are who we are and it works.

I feel that in society we are conditioned to want the perfect relationship. The fairytale right? Whisked off our feet in a whirlwind romance, big fancy wedding, babies and all is good – right? No. We need to talk about the relationships that are realistic but also the ones that should not be happening.

When I was younger, I got caught up in a guy. It went on for much longer than it should and when my husband came along – I lost interest. We were never officially together, but years of on and off cheating on significant others and the hot and cold of what he wanted and I wanted – it was too much. It was toxic and made me into someone that I could not look at myself in the mirror. These are the relationships I want to protect my son of. Respect women, do not use them and then only talk to them when you want sex, understand their feelings and understand your own, do not feel afraid of emotions – you have them for a reason. More importantly, if you can’t work together with her towards something bigger – then walk away. It’s not just that, I don’t want a woman to manipulate my son through her emotions. I don’t want my son taking care of someone else more than they take care of him. Relationships are TEAM work, not the way that society thinks they should be. Women should be treated right, but so should a man.

We are conditioned that it will be easy when we meet the right person. This leaves people feeling dissatisfied with their marriages and relationships. If they don’t live up to the hype – people back out. With that, people are putting their relationships online to make it look like they have it all (not all do that, but most do). I don’t post about my husband often and we have so much fun together – I don’t need to prove that to my social network. I know what I have and it is mine alone. I do not have to tell the universe what a good father he is and how much I love him – I think he knows enough by my words in person rather than on a social platform.

Of all things, I hope my son is like my husband. Where my husband did not deal with stupid girls and their stupid ideas. Granted, it took him time to learn (oh the lessons he learned), but he knows his boundary and what he is willing to put up with and what he isn’t. I am not the kind of wife that tells him he has to give up his toys of me. He still works on his trucks, has his quad, and is able to do what he likes. While I do make it important that he spend time with his family, he is still able to do what he wants to do. Why? Because I get the same freedom. That and I don’t want to spend every single moment with him either (not in a bad way, I like my alone time).

Sticking through it, working towards a common goal, communication, fighting and learning from those fights, supporting each other, and love. Those are the key points to getting through a relationship. It takes two to tango. A single sided marriage or relationship is not worth it, but who am I to say? That’s your call.