I have one friend who frequently asks me how I am doing. Not just to ask in causal conversation, but truly caring about how I am doing in life.
No one really asks that question anymore. But now, I got you thinking about it right? So, how am I doing? Well, I’ll tell you.
I’m not quite okay today. There has been a lot of shit (pardon my french, but we all know that word here) going on in my head lately. Of course, the normal – single income, motherhood, college post-grad student stuff floats in my head, but lately – a lot of family shit that I prefer to ignore and not deal with is in my head. And I hate that because, I have a life. I have a life and I have enough to think about other than petty crap that deals with my family – on both my side and my husbands.
Let’s start with yesterday. Yesterday, I went to a BBQ at one of my husband’s aunt’s house. Now, this is no ordinary situation. My former best friend is my husband’s cousin and this was her house. I have not spoken to her in about a year and the last time that we were “friends” was when she was trying to butt into my husband’s business regarding his biological family about a year and a half ago – before I found out I was pregnant. However, when my husband and I started dating over two years ago – she completely cut me off. Still to this day, I get blamed. I’m not sure who believes who because the entire family gossips and lies about what everyone is doing all the time. I do know that one day, I was blocked. Why? Because I hadn’t brought over my child to her house when I lived an hour away and then started going back to college for a second bachelors? Excuse me for having a life.
So, I be the better person and I go over to her house. Everyone is all over me with Thor and I like to hold onto Thor. He is my security blanket. I can completely ignore someone or not have to talk to someone when he is on my lap. I. LOVE. IT. So, one of my husband’s cousins brings his fiancee and boy, is she stuck up. She wants to hold my baby, but refuses to speak to me and all she says is, “I can’t wait until we have one.” And all I can think is, “Yeah, bitch. Just you wait.”
So why has this all gotten to me so badly? I have been drained ever since. Part of it is because I have no idea what everyone thinks or what everyone believes. I hear that no one believes my former friend (or likes her) but who am I to believe? They talk crap about each other ALL OF THE TIME. It creates the most unstable environment ever and I mentally cannot handle it.
I know people talk bad about me. I am pretty much used to it after high school and all the crap that went around then (I was young and really stupid and made decisions where everyone was judging me but it wasn’t like everyone else was doing them – you know?) I have a really thick skin and normally – I don’t care. But I DO this time and that really bothers me that I CARE. I CARE what some stuck up little bitch thinks about me. I NEVER DO SO WHY NOW? Is it because I am vulnerable? That I don’t trust them? That she wanted to hold my son and refused to speak to me (I know that this is a good chunk of it as well)? And my former friend – we have been having ups and downs for years, but she is their family – but am I being protected from her hatefulness? And in all seriousness, she is hateful – just trust me here. I have enough stories to back this up, but that’s not relevant right now.
Despite all of that, the one thing that bothers me is – I check on a friend of mine. She was upset about something stupid regarding her fiancee’s ex-wife and I wanted to make sure that they had resolved the issue (I knew they would). And I don’t even get a “how are you lately?” THANKS. I AM JUST TRYING TO KEEP MY ANXIETY IN CHECK. But really, she doesn’t care – why bother telling her the truth even if she did ask? She would give me some annoying advice, because she thinks she is all knowing for being 22. Who knows what the actual hell is going on at 22?? I sure didn’t.
I really don’t need friends (I have come to the conclusion that my life really is better without them, despite that people say that all the time to sound emotionless – but I really don’t like people). I have enough family, my brother’s girlfriend is really awesome and I hang out with her, and my husband is my best friend – so why bother with others who will never really understand my life anyway? Friends always make life difficult. They want to do things (I don’t like doing group stuff, I get mentally exhausted) and they don’t like the same things I really enjoy doing (like reading or homework – because I secretly love being in college again). If I get lonely – I can typically get a cat to cuddle with me and I am fine…but really, I am.
However, despite that mentally I am drained and anxiety ridden today, I about had a panic attack at the grocery store. There were too many stupid people who could not figure out how to use a cart in a grocery store. I wanted THREE items and it took me too long. I was breathing heavily, trying not to cry, and focused on that back cashier where I wouldn’t have to run into anyone I know. The cashier was the nicest person and asked me how my long weekend was and was sweet to my son, and I genuinely enjoyed the interaction. After I walked out of the grocery store, I remember thinking – I needed that. I needed someone to remind me that there are good people out there. Not many, but a few.
I’m still not doing well and they’re stuck in my head – I’m thinking a slurpee and maybe talking will help. Maybe? It might not be helping that my period – I think? is here. I mean, I switched birth control to a hormonal IUD from a non-hormonal IUD so who the hell knows what’s going on with that. Regardless of these potential influences – I am just trying today. I am mentally trying to overcome my anxiety and I am pulling myself pretty well together, but I know underneath – I’m not just okay today. I’ll be better tomorrow. I’ll want to punch them both in the face less and I’ll move on past it.