Moving Back Home

IMG_20170717_173237_059Life has been so full of hectic things going on lately. I finished summer quarter, have read tons of books, working with Thor on some new routines to go into Fall with, and having plenty of adventures with my mom before she goes back to work at the local high school.

Today I went to a wedding. The wedding was for one of Dasa’s good friends who is marrying a girl I went to high school with. Unsure of who I was going to run into and who would be attending the wedding – I started to worry about who I was going to run into there. Two of the bridesmaids were girls I went to high school with. One I was friends with, the other I was not. Who else was going to be there? I had been sweating it for a while, but the bride went through the trouble to invite us and drop an invite in our mailbox – a personal touch that really resonated with me. We had to go. This was important. My husband needed to reconnect after he “vanished” when he started working nights when we started dating and I needed to build relationships.

A couple days ago, I stopped at a local coffee stand. My husband grew up with the two women who own it and I knew I could get a good Americano there no doubt. I needed that. The barista was someone I went to high school with and interaction had always been awkward – but today, the need for espresso was greater than my feelings towards people I went to high school with. She causally asked me how I was and how my day was. I was kind in return (I always am, it’s refreshing actually) and grabbed my coffee and drove off. That felt good. Who I was no longer mattered and the fact that we were able to come to a peace felt good. I knew that I needed to come to peace with my past, my mistakes I made before I ran away to college, and move on. I moved back home, I had to confront it and just accept it. People would forgive and move on. Others may not be so quick to do so and that is fine. However, I needed to stop worrying about what others still thought of me. I need to forget the past and be myself.

When I was young, I was stupid. I was in a relationship with someone right before leaving for college and he was not doing well with that. We were having issues early on and I, stupidly, wanted to have fun for the summer. I ended up hooking up with someone I had been on and off with, my first, someone I thought I loved and it my former best friend (who eventually introduced me to her cousin who I happened to marry – she is still upset that we ended up together) told my then-boyfriend. It got on Facebook and the next thing I knew – everyone knew what happened. Good thing, I left two days later for college – moving six hours away and ready to start a different life, with a fresh start.

I have been running from the past ever since and when I moved back several months ago, I had been hiding from it. I’ve never accepted it and thought that others wouldn’t either.

However, once I felt that I needed to come to peace with my past and move forward, create a life here – back home, I felt at peace. The wedding was a blast. Everyone was kind and wonderful, we talked to many different people and built relationships (reconnected on D’s part) that will hopefully last much longer than those in high school did. Sometimes, you just have to breathe and accept that moving on is best.

The hardest part of moving on from the past is letting go the perceptions that others have of you, especially in a small town. Once it happens and you let go of that past, you are free. Everyone changes, well, for the most part.

How Perfect is a Relationship Anyway?

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Blurry, shadow kisses

Here is the post about relationships that I had been working on! What a busy week with getting work done, being a mom, and simply attempting to not forget myself as a person.

Being a mom, I think A LOT about the lessons and moments I want to teach my son as he grows. I’ve been finding that the biggest of these lessons is on healthy relationships. What I mean by a healthy relationship is not a perfect relationships. People fight, argue, disagree, and sometimes – there are weeks or months of times that are not pleasant. However, what matters is that the couple is able to push through to the other side and look back to see that they are glad they got through that.

Most of all, I want my son to know what an unhealthy relationship looks like. The one-sided, the person leading someone on, the toxicity between two people, and when the communication breakdown is beyond repair. While talking to one of my good friends, I mentioned how refreshing it was to hear how much she missed her fiancee and how she hated being separated – this was her “relationship trouble”. This couple does not claim to be perfect or show off how “perfect” they are on social media, but purely love each other. With that, I had been reading Neil Patrick Harris’ autobiography in class and I found it so refreshing to read how much he loves his partner. I’m sure they have had problems, what couple doesn’t? But man, the respect, love, and admiration is unbelievable. We are so used to reading about relationship drama (Rob Kardashian, anyone) in our media, in our novels, and even in our lives. This seems normal. If there is nothing wrong – we have to create something wrong, if there is no drama, we feel that there is something missing. How rare is it to read about a Hollywood/Broadway star who has a relationship that he is proud of and loves his partner genuinely? In this day in age, it is very rare. I often hear about relationship issues with friends, but very rarely hear about how positively something is going. Why are we so apt to tell when things are bad, but keep quiet when our lives are going well? Do we see the celebrity drama on TV and in tabloids and need to have our relationships go that way to live their lives? Why is there so much drama when there doesn’t have to be?

My husband and I do not get along 100% of the time. We get along most of the time and over time have had to learn how the other person works and what they need out of a relationship. I like being direct to the point, my husband takes a different approach. Relationships take effort and strength – they take genuine love and respect to work and more than importantly team work! These relationships about making someone their “queen” or “king” is just annoying and so unrealistic. What about a team that makes a life work together and keeping independence but maintaining a life together? I take what my husband wants into considerations and listen to what he has to say. He does the same (when he is not being stubborn), but there is no one person wearing the pants. He does not cater to me (he does in small ways but nothing major) and I do not “mommy” him or try to fix him. We are who we are and it works.

I feel that in society we are conditioned to want the perfect relationship. The fairytale right? Whisked off our feet in a whirlwind romance, big fancy wedding, babies and all is good – right? No. We need to talk about the relationships that are realistic but also the ones that should not be happening.

When I was younger, I got caught up in a guy. It went on for much longer than it should and when my husband came along – I lost interest. We were never officially together, but years of on and off cheating on significant others and the hot and cold of what he wanted and I wanted – it was too much. It was toxic and made me into someone that I could not look at myself in the mirror. These are the relationships I want to protect my son of. Respect women, do not use them and then only talk to them when you want sex, understand their feelings and understand your own, do not feel afraid of emotions – you have them for a reason. More importantly, if you can’t work together with her towards something bigger – then walk away. It’s not just that, I don’t want a woman to manipulate my son through her emotions. I don’t want my son taking care of someone else more than they take care of him. Relationships are TEAM work, not the way that society thinks they should be. Women should be treated right, but so should a man.

We are conditioned that it will be easy when we meet the right person. This leaves people feeling dissatisfied with their marriages and relationships. If they don’t live up to the hype – people back out. With that, people are putting their relationships online to make it look like they have it all (not all do that, but most do). I don’t post about my husband often and we have so much fun together – I don’t need to prove that to my social network. I know what I have and it is mine alone. I do not have to tell the universe what a good father he is and how much I love him – I think he knows enough by my words in person rather than on a social platform.

Of all things, I hope my son is like my husband. Where my husband did not deal with stupid girls and their stupid ideas. Granted, it took him time to learn (oh the lessons he learned), but he knows his boundary and what he is willing to put up with and what he isn’t. I am not the kind of wife that tells him he has to give up his toys of me. He still works on his trucks, has his quad, and is able to do what he likes. While I do make it important that he spend time with his family, he is still able to do what he wants to do. Why? Because I get the same freedom. That and I don’t want to spend every single moment with him either (not in a bad way, I like my alone time).

Sticking through it, working towards a common goal, communication, fighting and learning from those fights, supporting each other, and love. Those are the key points to getting through a relationship. It takes two to tango. A single sided marriage or relationship is not worth it, but who am I to say? That’s your call.