Lists Help Me Make Sense of My World

I had a draft concerning healthy relationships and my thoughts for this week on those. However, despite the fact that I did a list the last post, I’m going to do another one. This list is basically describing how I am feeling this week – because I am not (mentally) on my game.

  1. One of my “friends” made comments that really made me feel minimized. When I told her my husband had taken last week off (his job gave him the week off) she made the comment about how it must have been nice for me to take a break from parenthood. Uh? When do I get a break? I didn’t? He worked on fixing up a truck all week? She mentioned that it must have been nice to not feel like the “only” parent. Okay, stop right there. I do not feel like the only parent – ever. My husband comes home at the end of the night and spends time with his son. I have no idea how she would get this idea since I have never mentioned anything like that to her. If we have issues with division of anything – it’s the household chores. So, I comment that I truly never feel like I am the only parent. She then responds saying that she would feel that way if she was left at home all day and that I am a better person than she is. WTF. Seriously – who the hell even says that? First, I am not home all day long – I am in class four times a week on a college campus that is thirty minutes away from my home. Then, I never feel like I am all on my own with this parenting thing. Sure, sometimes I feel like I can never get to sit down and truly do homework – but that doesn’t mean that my husband is not being a parent. The fact that she minimized my life, implying that I am home all day long really pissed me off. Like I said, it is really hard to offend me, but this was enough. This friend hardly asks, genuinely asks how my life is going or how I am. She knows nothing about my life because she does not ask – and why would I share with someone who thinks that they could give me advice if I even remotely sound like complaining? More than that, she patronizes me and makes it sound like my life is so hard and I am such a good person for it – when I am not. I am not special for doing this stuff. I am just doing what I have to do.
  2. Finishing this self-paced history class is mentally exhausting. I am finding evidence in the books and taking two drafts in order to put together a coherent essay for this massive written final. More than that, I am trying to hold onto my 4.0 in this class and for the quarter.
  3. My son has been exhibiting behavior that my mother-in-law has enabled. I know that babies scream and cry when they don’t get their way, but there is something not right with this. He is a really even tempered child and I am finding that we are having issues with his screaming when he wants his way. Have I mentioned he is not even a year yet? With that, he is getting back onto a sleep schedule after he was refusing naps and my mother-in-law (who hates screaming) will not allow him to self-soothe. She has created a monster when it comes to nap time. I love my son, but he is wearing me out lately. I need nap time. I NEED nap time.
  4. Money. Enough said.
  5. My class. The work load and the class content is excellent. I absolutely love the reading, the writing prompts, and what I’m reading in the class. However, the dynamic really makes me uncomfortable. I am not that big of a talker. I mean, when I am in a group of people I don’t know – I don’t have a lot to say. Seriously, ask my husband. However, in the classroom setting, I participate and share because how are you supposed to learn from others if you don’t say anything? In this class, I over talk and I know it, and more than that – it makes me uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable. There are people there with incredible perspectives that I wish would talk more, because I absolutely love what comes out of their mouths, but nonetheless – I feel like I am the only one speaking. And I don’t want to feel like this. I feel like an outsider, I leave the class feeling stressed and overthinking everything that I said. I’ve worked in small groups plenty of times before, specifically last quarter. Last quarter, my small group – we all shared ideas, thoughts, and talked equally. There was no discomfort when we worked together or collaborated. This class drives me insane and it is beginning to get to me. I love going to class and learning from the material and learning about self-writing. I read a lot of memoirs already, so it is interesting to understand these stories. I just feel as if I am not even myself. I wonder if it sounds like I try too hard (which I don’t, I just come from a background that values participation no matter how much you hate it) or wonder if I know more than everyone else, which I don’t. I can’t place my finger on it, but I absolutely cannot stand how I feel in this class. Luckily, the class is almost over. It is so bittersweet. I love the content, but damn, going to class is just exhausting for me.

I need some self-care. A day when I just take off and get done shit that needs to be done. Get some housework done, get ahead in my English class, get my self-paced final done, maybe even just take a nap – I don’t know, but I need to really feel better than I do now. I feel like I need coffee every single second of the day. I feel like I could just sleep forever (granted, it is ten at night and I have been running around constantly this week). I have a stack of books on my nightstand because I was going to work while my husband sleeps (I have to wait until he is asleep to turn on the light otherwise he won’t), but I think I am just going to say screw it and go to bed. Maybe a good night’s sleep will help me. I will go to sleep and hope that I feel better in the morning.

Little Known Facts

While to the outside world, it seems like I share enough, I don’t. I share only what I want you to see. I share just enough so then you think you know me, but instead, no one does. However, to keep it light – here are some little known facts I would normally not share (not that they’re bad, I just wouldn’t think to).

  1. IMG_20170705_175215_264
    My love for cats started young
    My husband’s nickname for me is “turbo”
  2. I used to be really terrible with money
  3. I have an incredible depth of knowledge in British history because I watch a lot of BBC/PBS documentaries.
  4. I am obsessed with The Great British Bake Off and I hate baking.
  5. My cat’s name is Loki and my son’s name is Thor – that was an accident. I thought of Loki the mischief. Thor is named after a friend of my husband’s who passed away too young.
  6. Out of every room in the house, I hate cleaning the kitchen.
  7. I love buying toys and clothes for my son. I find it more fun than shopping for myself.
  8. I actually hate Facebook, but use it for messenger. I love Instagram the most.
  9. My favorite room in the house depends on the best natural light – so in this house, it’s my bedroom.
  10. I love reading non-fiction. I find it just as good as fiction.
  11. I prefer to drink La Criox over alcohol.
  12. I hate cooking, but do because it’s cheaper and healthier.
  13. I love old movies.
  14. I do not wear underwear and have a drawer full of them.
  15. If I could sit in a comfortable chair and read a book for the ENTIRE day, I would.
  16. I am currently drooling over a “Cat Wars” t-shirt on Modcloth.
  17. I am really picky about coffee, but I have to have it. Cold brew is my favorite.
  18. My favorite gift is an Amazon gift card – I order books like crazy.
  19. I own a lot of blankets, but always find they don’t go to waste.
  20. While I have my own set of firm beliefs, it is extremely difficult to offend me.

Things I Think While Scrolling Through Social Media

  1. Are there really cats out there who like water?
  2. Posts about Chris Cornell’s death are still too sad for me to read.
  3. Are foil pack dinners really worth attempting?
  4. I GET IT YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND. GOOD FOR YOU.
  5. Norwegians are bad ass. Thank god I am one.
  6. Is there something wrong with me that I haven’t done all this traveling in my life? How do people even afford to get flights?!
  7. Black cats make the best cat memes
  8. If Kate Middleton is in the post, I will definitely stop to read it.
  9. Obama’s hair is white now. Can we have him back now?
  10. I wonder if D would let me have another cat…
  11. That steak dinner tasty makes me want red meat.
  12. Why is someone posting that they are wearing only a jockstrap? Ew….
  13. I follow too many cat pages.
  14. Disney movies are completely inaccurate. How can I love something so ignorant? But really this post is super awesome. Check this out: http://postize.com/disney-princess-dress-accurate?utm_source=fMb7kD&utm_medium=partner&utm_campaign=social
  15. Ramen in recipes? I’m not sure how I feel about this.
  16. All of these baby name posts are getting really annoying.
  17. Is Kate Moss still a thing?
  18. Adam Lambert is playing with Queen?! What is a former American Idol contestant doing playing with Brian May?! WHAT?!
  19. I would definitely try to adopt a giraffe.
  20. Who cares that Beyonce had her twins? I do not. At all.
  21. I wonder if D would hate me if I brought home a kitten.
  22. I need to make my Costco list.
  23. I think my anxiety has gotten worse since Trump became President.
  24. I get it. You’re “fine” with being single and the single life is so awesome…
  25. I need Prime Now to service my area after looking at Thai food recipes…

Also, check out this super cool trend that women in India are doing that has gone viral! This is AWESOME. http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-40404102?ocid=socialflow_facebook&ns_mchannel=social&ns_campaign=bbcnews&ns_source=facebook

I think my insomnia is in for the long haul tonight…

A Comeback. Kind of.

I meant to blog about being a mom, wife, and whatever else I wanted to write about months ago, but I decided to be busy and not have time. I guess. Currently, I am taking a course discussing self-writing and reading memoirs and autobiographies. So, the book we are reading has inspired me to blog again and blog about my life as it happens. So, here are some things on my mind currently…

  1. I am pretty sure my three year old male cat has mental illness. He hates people he doesn’t know, hides under the bed, sometimes can only deal with three head rubs exactly, and is not as smart as normal cats. Apparently, talking calmly, cleaning his litter box out twice a day, and feeding him on time helps.
  2. Being a post-grad student in a class of undergrads is super difficult. Values, goals, and perspectives are different. They will never understand you, but you totally know what point in life they are at.
  3. My husband is super offensive, but I kind of like it. How fun would it be to have someone who agrees with you all the time?
  4. I am very tempted to wake up my husband to clean the pot of oil from when he made french fries, but I know I could possibly die if I wake him up right now.
Jax
Jax, my “special” cat.

 

 

While reading Jenny Lawson’s, Furiously Happy, I realized that I should just write about my life. I should write about the odd conversations my husband and I have, my uncanny ability to procrastinate, the values I want my son to grow up having, the fact that my pelvic ultrasound found a mass on my liver and I am overthinking it to the “n”th degree, and that marriage is hardest relationship you will have with another human being ever.

So, I’ll start blogging more. I hope.