How Perfect is a Relationship Anyway?

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Blurry, shadow kisses

Here is the post about relationships that I had been working on! What a busy week with getting work done, being a mom, and simply attempting to not forget myself as a person.

Being a mom, I think A LOT about the lessons and moments I want to teach my son as he grows. I’ve been finding that the biggest of these lessons is on healthy relationships. What I mean by a healthy relationship is not a perfect relationships. People fight, argue, disagree, and sometimes – there are weeks or months of times that are not pleasant. However, what matters is that the couple is able to push through to the other side and look back to see that they are glad they got through that.

Most of all, I want my son to know what an unhealthy relationship looks like. The one-sided, the person leading someone on, the toxicity between two people, and when the communication breakdown is beyond repair. While talking to one of my good friends, I mentioned how refreshing it was to hear how much she missed her fiancee and how she hated being separated – this was her “relationship trouble”. This couple does not claim to be perfect or show off how “perfect” they are on social media, but purely love each other. With that, I had been reading Neil Patrick Harris’ autobiography in class and I found it so refreshing to read how much he loves his partner. I’m sure they have had problems, what couple doesn’t? But man, the respect, love, and admiration is unbelievable. We are so used to reading about relationship drama (Rob Kardashian, anyone) in our media, in our novels, and even in our lives. This seems normal. If there is nothing wrong – we have to create something wrong, if there is no drama, we feel that there is something missing. How rare is it to read about a Hollywood/Broadway star who has a relationship that he is proud of and loves his partner genuinely? In this day in age, it is very rare. I often hear about relationship issues with friends, but very rarely hear about how positively something is going. Why are we so apt to tell when things are bad, but keep quiet when our lives are going well? Do we see the celebrity drama on TV and in tabloids and need to have our relationships go that way to live their lives? Why is there so much drama when there doesn’t have to be?

My husband and I do not get along 100% of the time. We get along most of the time and over time have had to learn how the other person works and what they need out of a relationship. I like being direct to the point, my husband takes a different approach. Relationships take effort and strength – they take genuine love and respect to work and more than importantly team work! These relationships about making someone their “queen” or “king” is just annoying and so unrealistic. What about a team that makes a life work together and keeping independence but maintaining a life together? I take what my husband wants into considerations and listen to what he has to say. He does the same (when he is not being stubborn), but there is no one person wearing the pants. He does not cater to me (he does in small ways but nothing major) and I do not “mommy” him or try to fix him. We are who we are and it works.

I feel that in society we are conditioned to want the perfect relationship. The fairytale right? Whisked off our feet in a whirlwind romance, big fancy wedding, babies and all is good – right? No. We need to talk about the relationships that are realistic but also the ones that should not be happening.

When I was younger, I got caught up in a guy. It went on for much longer than it should and when my husband came along – I lost interest. We were never officially together, but years of on and off cheating on significant others and the hot and cold of what he wanted and I wanted – it was too much. It was toxic and made me into someone that I could not look at myself in the mirror. These are the relationships I want to protect my son of. Respect women, do not use them and then only talk to them when you want sex, understand their feelings and understand your own, do not feel afraid of emotions – you have them for a reason. More importantly, if you can’t work together with her towards something bigger – then walk away. It’s not just that, I don’t want a woman to manipulate my son through her emotions. I don’t want my son taking care of someone else more than they take care of him. Relationships are TEAM work, not the way that society thinks they should be. Women should be treated right, but so should a man.

We are conditioned that it will be easy when we meet the right person. This leaves people feeling dissatisfied with their marriages and relationships. If they don’t live up to the hype – people back out. With that, people are putting their relationships online to make it look like they have it all (not all do that, but most do). I don’t post about my husband often and we have so much fun together – I don’t need to prove that to my social network. I know what I have and it is mine alone. I do not have to tell the universe what a good father he is and how much I love him – I think he knows enough by my words in person rather than on a social platform.

Of all things, I hope my son is like my husband. Where my husband did not deal with stupid girls and their stupid ideas. Granted, it took him time to learn (oh the lessons he learned), but he knows his boundary and what he is willing to put up with and what he isn’t. I am not the kind of wife that tells him he has to give up his toys of me. He still works on his trucks, has his quad, and is able to do what he likes. While I do make it important that he spend time with his family, he is still able to do what he wants to do. Why? Because I get the same freedom. That and I don’t want to spend every single moment with him either (not in a bad way, I like my alone time).

Sticking through it, working towards a common goal, communication, fighting and learning from those fights, supporting each other, and love. Those are the key points to getting through a relationship. It takes two to tango. A single sided marriage or relationship is not worth it, but who am I to say? That’s your call.

 

 

 

 

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Babies are People too

As a parent, I think a lot about what I want to implement regarding my child. He is just a baby, so there is time to think a lot about this. However, my husband and I have decided that since Thor is overwhelmed by big groups of people, we let him decide if he wants to go to someone. If they bring out their hands and he leans and reaches for them, we allow him to go to them, if not – we respect his decision.

20170704_134120This is one thing that my mother-in-law and I were on the same page about. She did the same thing with my husband and I really liked that we felt the same way regarding that. It is a great way that they can test out their own boundaries and learn to say “no” and have that “no” be respected. My mother-in-law has a bigger family and there are plenty of people wanting to hold the baby. However, after a bit and getting to know them, he begins to go to everyone.

My mother’s family is a different story. I specifically told my mom our rule and how important we felt this was. She completely agreed with me. My mom is typically good about listening to what I feel is important for my son. However, when it comes to her family – it all goes out the window. For my mom’s family, her sister is baby crazy. My aunt really had nothing to do with me until I got pregnant and the baby was on the way. Now, she always wants to hold him. It was no big deal when he was very little because he just liked to be held by everyone, but now that he is inching closer to that one year mark, he is a little pickier and groups overwhelm him because he doesn’t know or remember others. My mom hands him over to her at a Father’s Day lunch without him going to her. I was furious, but what was I going to do? Yell at my mom later and tell her that she needs to abide by what I specifically instruct? No. That isn’t going to help, no matter what. So, I back off and tell my mom that her sister has been really bothering me when it comes to my son. Mom brushes it off saying that her sister loves babies and never got to have anymore kids other than her only son.

Well, that’s no excuse for her to act baby crazy with an 8 month old little boy who wants nothing to do with her. So, yesterday at a family party, she reached out for my son. He was with my husband and Thor just stared at her blankly and didn’t put out his arms despite the fact that she did not get the hint. She continued to reach her arms out and Thor continued to stare blankly at her. I finally had to explain that we are allowing him to make his own calls. She was upset.

How can someone be upset when the parents are working on implementing something with their own child? I get that you’re family, but he doesn’t know you well enough. I’m not going to hand him over when he is just going to cry after a couple seconds of being in her arms. I find it extremely disrespectful as another person to have someone question my parenting only because they want to desperately hold a baby. Babies are wonderful to hold, but if they are old enough to understand when they want to go to someone and when they don’t – then that needs to be respected. Babies are people too. We just need to remember that.

Better Cat Mom or Human Mom?

Some days, I feel like I am a better cat mom than a human mom. Cats are easy. You leave out their food, make sure they have water refilled, clean the litter box, and and snuggle with them every now and then. A human mom is different than that, a little bit more goes into a human.

Sometimes I feel like a bad mom. Being a student and a mother are two different roles that are difficult enough on their own. However, I had two options when I became a mom. Work 50+ hours a week and put my son into daycare or go back to college for career and a cause that I am passionate about and put my loans into deferment. I opted for wanting to be involved in educating angsty American teenagers because that is important to me.

Some days, I feel overwhelmed. He wants up and down, has a full blown meltdown when I know he is tired and needs a nap, he screams if you leave him for a second, and if I am using the laptop – forget getting anything done without him standing and trying to touch the keyboard. He is a really easy baby, most of the time. He sleeps really well, he plays on his own extremely well, he can always find things to do, he is a great snuggler when he wants to be one, and he never fights a bottle when he is hungry. We manage to do a really good job together.

I do enjoy the days where my house is quiet and I do not have to tip-toe throughout the house. I like being able to focus on classwork and not worry about when he is going to wake up or getting as much done as I can before I hear his cry. I feel bad when I drop off my son for the day, I feel slight relief. I know that I can productive without feeling like I am trying to herd a bunch of cats.

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It is just a phase. He just wants to be held all the time, which comes from the teeth that are coming in. No one ever tells you that the first four are a piece of cake – it’s the rest that are hell.

I know that I am a really good cat mom, but I feel bad for needing a break from my son. I never think about needing a break from my cats. Then again, Loki enjoys sleeping on the bed I situated for them and Jax sleeps under the comforter on our bed most of the day. Sure, they sound like elephants when they chase each other up and down the hallway, but that is the only annoying thing they really do. The only doubting I did was when Jax was messing on the floor in the backroom and I knew that maybe I was neglecting his needs more than I should be. HeĀ is special after all. Cats are a breeze, which is probably why I like them so much.

This is just a phase with Thor. The teeth will come in, he will start to walk, and things will get easier – he will move onto the next phase, but we can work with that. The phases aren’t the aspects of motherhood that exhaust me. It is when he feels needy and needs mom all day and all night, when he screams bloody murder for a nap. Those are the moments that wear me out. But he always goes back to his usual independent self and his three hour naps twice a day. It is just getting past this little mood.

I do the best I can and that’s all I can do as a mom, right? At least I’m not a drug addict, alcoholic, or neglect my child. I mean, I could be a real bitch here. Secretly, I love being a mom. I love holding my son and watching him grow. Some days are just a little rough compared to others. That is when having a mother-in-law ten minutes away is a real benefit.

 

 

Six Weeks After Birth…and I have Goals!

It has been several weeks since my last post. Finding time to sit down and write with a growing little boy, who keeps me on my toes has been the most interesting.

My husband is a union laborer and is in between jobs, waiting for a call to another job. He had the Thanksgiving weekend off regardless, but has been home today helping with the baby and with the normal around the house to-dos.

There has been one major thing on my mind lately. My weight.

I was rather heavy at the time of my pregnancy anyway. I was depressed and living in situation that I was not happy in. My mother-in-law was in full control and I was working a job that was not even worth my time or energy after gaining a Bachelor’s from a prestigious Northwest college.

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Pic Credit: Google

I am still waiting for the weight to come off, listening to my doctor to not work out until she has cleared me due to a tear that happened when I delivered my son. My plan is to do the basic stuff in the living room to just get my body working and then start with a gym, whether it is the one here at my apartment complex or one elsewhere.

However, I know that I need to start eating better. Being pregnant, I was not cooking that much and my appetite was not the greatest. I lost weight and was looking fantastic, however, I had my son six weeks and several days ago and still sitting with a belly that I absolutely hate, making my clothes difficult to wear to a point. I am in between a small and medium size with leggings. It drives me insane.

Last week while hanging out at my best friend, Kelsey’s house, she introduced me to a cook book that was given to her: Thug Kitchen. It was a vegan cookbook that uses cuss words, but has healthy interesting recipes. The body does not only start with the workouts, but also in the kitchen.

I am hoping to get this body started and to really work on it. I will start slowly this week (once I am feeling better from whatever I have gotten) on 30 day thigh, butt, arm, and ab challenges. Then once I have figured out the gym situation, mix in cardio and weights.

I would love to find a gym that is affordable for my husband and I that have daycare for a 2 month old as well while we work out.

Before my husband and I started dating, I got into a lifestyle change. I would go to the gym at my college every night around 8 and then make dinner, eating mostly gluten free or Dave’s Killer Bread when I ate bread. I felt fantastic and I want to go back to that feeling more than ever.

So my own motto lately has been: You want a change? Do it.

So. Do it.

Hello There…

Hello whoever chooses to read my blog!

I am a twenty four year old new mom. My son was born almost three weeks ago and I am attempting to figure out this new life of motherhood.

My life was one way until this little boy, who I love with all of my heart, was born. Motherhood has been one thing I can handle. For some reason, while it can get to be overwhelming – I can handle it. It has been everything else. My husband, my mother in law, figuring out my place in this world and getting everything up and ready for me to start post-grad work in January.

I have been on the fence of postpartum depression. Most days are great, however, there are the days that get dark. The days where I want to pick up this baby and run to my mom and dad’s house to hide out, to gain my footing before I go back to the home I have attempted to build. This blog is my way of getting out my frustrations and issues, of figuring out how I feel.

I will get really real here and discuss personal problems, which is why I will never release my name, where I live, or anything that may identify me.

So, hopefully you enjoy my confessions…