Lists Help Me Make Sense of My World

I had a draft concerning healthy relationships and my thoughts for this week on those. However, despite the fact that I did a list the last post, I’m going to do another one. This list is basically describing how I am feeling this week – because I am not (mentally) on my game.

  1. One of my “friends” made comments that really made me feel minimized. When I told her my husband had taken last week off (his job gave him the week off) she made the comment about how it must have been nice for me to take a break from parenthood. Uh? When do I get a break? I didn’t? He worked on fixing up a truck all week? She mentioned that it must have been nice to not feel like the “only” parent. Okay, stop right there. I do not feel like the only parent – ever. My husband comes home at the end of the night and spends time with his son. I have no idea how she would get this idea since I have never mentioned anything like that to her. If we have issues with division of anything – it’s the household chores. So, I comment that I truly never feel like I am the only parent. She then responds saying that she would feel that way if she was left at home all day and that I am a better person than she is. WTF. Seriously – who the hell even says that? First, I am not home all day long – I am in class four times a week on a college campus that is thirty minutes away from my home. Then, I never feel like I am all on my own with this parenting thing. Sure, sometimes I feel like I can never get to sit down and truly do homework – but that doesn’t mean that my husband is not being a parent. The fact that she minimized my life, implying that I am home all day long really pissed me off. Like I said, it is really hard to offend me, but this was enough. This friend hardly asks, genuinely asks how my life is going or how I am. She knows nothing about my life because she does not ask – and why would I share with someone who thinks that they could give me advice if I even remotely sound like complaining? More than that, she patronizes me and makes it sound like my life is so hard and I am such a good person for it – when I am not. I am not special for doing this stuff. I am just doing what I have to do.
  2. Finishing this self-paced history class is mentally exhausting. I am finding evidence in the books and taking two drafts in order to put together a coherent essay for this massive written final. More than that, I am trying to hold onto my 4.0 in this class and for the quarter.
  3. My son has been exhibiting behavior that my mother-in-law has enabled. I know that babies scream and cry when they don’t get their way, but there is something not right with this. He is a really even tempered child and I am finding that we are having issues with his screaming when he wants his way. Have I mentioned he is not even a year yet? With that, he is getting back onto a sleep schedule after he was refusing naps and my mother-in-law (who hates screaming) will not allow him to self-soothe. She has created a monster when it comes to nap time. I love my son, but he is wearing me out lately. I need nap time. I NEED nap time.
  4. Money. Enough said.
  5. My class. The work load and the class content is excellent. I absolutely love the reading, the writing prompts, and what I’m reading in the class. However, the dynamic really makes me uncomfortable. I am not that big of a talker. I mean, when I am in a group of people I don’t know – I don’t have a lot to say. Seriously, ask my husband. However, in the classroom setting, I participate and share because how are you supposed to learn from others if you don’t say anything? In this class, I over talk and I know it, and more than that – it makes me uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable. There are people there with incredible perspectives that I wish would talk more, because I absolutely love what comes out of their mouths, but nonetheless – I feel like I am the only one speaking. And I don’t want to feel like this. I feel like an outsider, I leave the class feeling stressed and overthinking everything that I said. I’ve worked in small groups plenty of times before, specifically last quarter. Last quarter, my small group – we all shared ideas, thoughts, and talked equally. There was no discomfort when we worked together or collaborated. This class drives me insane and it is beginning to get to me. I love going to class and learning from the material and learning about self-writing. I read a lot of memoirs already, so it is interesting to understand these stories. I just feel as if I am not even myself. I wonder if it sounds like I try too hard (which I don’t, I just come from a background that values participation no matter how much you hate it) or wonder if I know more than everyone else, which I don’t. I can’t place my finger on it, but I absolutely cannot stand how I feel in this class. Luckily, the class is almost over. It is so bittersweet. I love the content, but damn, going to class is just exhausting for me.

I need some self-care. A day when I just take off and get done shit that needs to be done. Get some housework done, get ahead in my English class, get my self-paced final done, maybe even just take a nap – I don’t know, but I need to really feel better than I do now. I feel like I need coffee every single second of the day. I feel like I could just sleep forever (granted, it is ten at night and I have been running around constantly this week). I have a stack of books on my nightstand because I was going to work while my husband sleeps (I have to wait until he is asleep to turn on the light otherwise he won’t), but I think I am just going to say screw it and go to bed. Maybe a good night’s sleep will help me. I will go to sleep and hope that I feel better in the morning.

Even as a Post-Bacc, I Still Use Google for Definitions

I am currently back in college as a post-baccalaureate student. Google defines this as: “a matriculated status, reserved for students who are working toward a second bachelor’s degree or preparing for entrance to graduate or professional school.” Technically, the UW defined this, but this was what Google gave me.

It is hard for me. The work is not difficult. I enjoy being an English student because I love books and literature. However, it is hard being a post-bacc student in a class of undergrads. I was once one of them, working towards that little piece of paper that could change my life. Well, here I am, back in college. I have a Bachelor’s in Communication Studies from a top private university on the west coast. I have done several research studies on social media, studied rhetoric and persuasion, focused on intercultural communication, and have incredible public speaking skills. I have worked for two top west coast companies and have experiences that most people at 24 do not. I feel that I have lived a full life already and I have more to go.

Being in a classroom with undergrads is difficult. I already have vastly different values, goals, and experiences than those who have not graduated do. I am a mom, a wife, I have a degree, I have move away and moved back home, and I have married someone who does not have a college education, but someone I respect deeply regardless. When I was in their situations, I would have never guessed my life to turn out the way it did and I am glad it did – otherwise I would probably have more issues than I do.

I have a hard time connecting with others. I connect with a few people and that is all. So, not only do I have a hard time connecting with others already, but it becomes more difficult because of how differently my life is than to my peers. They are not able to identify with my anxieties of being a parent, a wife, a cat mom, and a student who already has a degree. That’s fine, I do not need someone to be able to identify with me. I do not need someone to be my friend. However, it kills me that I have pushed myself to interact with others in a classroom setting (because my professors from my alma mater made me for a solid participating grade) and the effort is not reciprocated. I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to tell them what I think because I know they won’t have anything to say back. I do not want to participate. I want to read books and write papers. However, I do it anyway because I know it is important to the education process. I have learned so much from class discussions to know they are important. If I am making the effort and it makes me want to stab my eyes out – the least they can do is help me out here.

I am not there to make friends. I am not there to tell them how to think. I am there because I want an A, but also participation means perspective and when someone gives you a perspective that you haven’t thought about – your life can change. When a simple belief you have can be questioned and can be argued by someone else – they are giving you a different way of thinking about the idea that you have not thought about before. Maybe you really start to second guess what you believed or maybe you disagree – but that is important. It is important to question everything otherwise we believe what we are told to believe.

Wow, that went differently than I expected that thought to, but it is true. Maybe it is because of my life experiences that I am open minded to all possibilities. I would rather hear someone disagree with me and be able to fight for what I believe than be fed something not know why I believe what I believe.

Anyway, I should probably finish that last history paper. Financial aid thinks that I am credit deficient because I am in a self-paced class. Assholes.